There are hundreds and hundreds of different guides out there telling you how to be a “good healer” and what makes you more mana efficient and blah blah blabbedly blooh blah. But I will not sit by while these bloggers ignore a part of the community who has been crying out for representation for some time now. That’s right, Dueg’s gone rogue today (not the kind you think though) and will be eschewing the idea of being the best you can be. Today I will be your guide in the world of Bad Healing.
Bad healing may seem easy enough, but it’s not as simple as don’t heal, oh no, you’ll get caught quite quickly and dumped from your group. No, bad healing requires subtlety and a knowledge of when to heal and when not to. Yes, it’s an art as well as a lifestyle and one that requires a sharp and intelligent mind which makes myself a prime candidate. So let me drop some bad knowledge on you and let’s take a look at some tips so you can start wiping your group today!
Show up in Good Gear
Players have a tendency to double check you while you’re on your way to or at the entrance of whatever instance you’re going to run. This can go badly if they see that your sabotaging yourself or they might flat out refuse if they notice you wearing those greens you’ve had since level 55. The best solution is to pick up some good gear and then after the first couple of pulls you can switch into your proper bad healing gear. Something with hit or attack power should be perfect for this situation. Make sure it’s your less visible items so people don’t notice that your robe is different.
Down Ranking is Your Friend
With the advent of 3.0 and the change to all spells costing the same amount of mana no matter what rank it is, people considered down ranking dead in the water for the most part. However, this marvelous ability can now be used for half the efficiency but with the same costs! It’s lose-lose, the best kind of lose! Now you have to be careful here, I recommend only going two ranks down at the most, but one should do you just fine. Like some form of digital short-sheeting, either your tank will lose his head or his feet, but not both which will keep suspicions down.
For God’s Sake, Don’t Let the DPS Die
Tanks are dumb and they smell bad. They also keep all those poor, innocent monsters from doing what they were meant to do and wiping your group. You don’t want to flat out not heal them, in fact, you need to make a good show of keeping them alive and wanting them to think that you’re their friend. Oh, foolish tank. DPS, on the other hand, are “expendable” in the sense that if they die you can simply raise them later and get back to work, no harm, no foul. But who are you to play god? To so blithely hold someone’s life in your hand in order to let them fall by the wayside or to cradle them close when needed? Don’t worry about the tank, I’m sure he’s got defensive cooldowns. Keep those poor, defenseless DPS alive.
Hold a Grudge
Someone insult you somehow or suggest that your healing is sub par? Don’t they realize how much you’ve worked to make it worse than just “sub par”? Or perhaps you’ve been jonesin for this one piece of loot which drops and then they had the audacity to roll higher than you? Put that fucker on your no heals list. Send him to Nohealsburg and then make him the mayor. You don’t have to take that kind of abuse, you’re the healer and they’re just some Joker McSucksalot. Your sense of righteous indignation will only strengthen as you watch with prideful glee as he must continually run back since you’re conveniently oom when it comes time to rez him. Don’t ever let him forget his egregious crimes against you.
You Only Need One Spell, and You Need It A Lot
Pick a spell, preferably one without a cooldown and that shows up right away as a straight heal. HoTs, shields and cooldown heals or ones with special abilities that add to their efficiency are not going to be what you want in this situation. Your standard heal is usually going to be your best shot in this case. Once you’ve decided which spell you want, simply load up all your hot bar and key bindings with just that spell and no other. As soon as the tank pulls anything, simply target him and start casting over and over again. Don’t worry about anything else or even bother to look at the screen while you’re doing this. Simply tap the button over and over again. Maybe read a book while you’re at it or watch some TV in order to keep busy.
When the Going gets Tough, the Tough Pull the Plug on Their Routers
How many times have you wiped on this boss? Twice? Man, fuck this group. Don’t bother saying anything though, I mean, who needs that kind of confrontation? Simply reach over, grab that plug on the back of your router and yank it on out. Trust me, your group will thank you. Well, probably not, but who cares about those bunch of mongoloids anyways. This is also an excellent method to get out of explaining why you’re doing all the other tips on this post as well, so keep that in mind. If you want to be polite, type something like “Hey guys, I gotta walk my dog, it’s an emergency” right before you pull the plug. That way they’ll think you’re a stand up guy.
Don’t Put up with Anyone Else’s Bullshit
Don’t let anyone else get away with anything and if you can, give them pointers on how to play their class. Maybe throw in a lie about how you have a level 80 of whatever class they are (conveniently located on another server or the other side of the faction fence). Your best bet will be to shame them into thinking that they’re terrible at playing so that they are more likely to listen to your words of wisdom. You should also have an explorer window in the background so you can alt tab out real quick and look up a few keywords about the class you’re talking to. Example: Hey rogue, maybe if you STABBED more, we wouldn’t be wiping. If you can manage to make them think that your bad healing is a result of them playing their class so badly, then you are truly the master of bad healing.