Seven Deadly Sins of Warcraft

Pictured: Sinners

Pictured: Sinners

My friends, my flock!  I come before you today as a humble priest seeking to warn against the evils of sin!  In the World of Warcraft, there are many temptations and many who follow them!  Wretches all!  The time has come to identify these evils and to extrapolate them from your lives, for there is only room for the light within your souls.  Do not fall to the shadow and walk along it’s dark path!  Instead remove the subtle machinations of it’s dark virtues from your everyday life!  Today I will teach you how to become a better person through the Light’s divine path!  But first, one must know what to avoid and to that effect, I will describe these sins which hold onto your souls like an iron vice, keeping you from the divine reward you so richly deserve!

The sin of Lust is everywhere in our beloved world!  Look not upon thy neighbor’s epics, for that leads to coveting of his armors and weapons.  Your loins will betray you at the sight of all the sparklies floating from their staff and you may find yourself feeling funny “down there.”  Those are the shadow’s own fingers trying to touch your no no spot and make you want that which you have not earned!  Be happy with your own blues and greens and seek not the path of PvP simply for tawdry, unfulfilling purples.  Eventually you may upgrade to your very own pieces of epic armor, but until then, if your swimsuit area starts to tingle, simply say a prayer to the light and give your nethers three good whacks with your closed fist.  You’ll thank me when you’ve gone to your divine reward.

Gluttony also runs rampant on our fair Azeroth!  Let me ask you, after wiping and running back within a ten minute period, are you truly hungry enough to have yet another feast?  Whether fish or pig, do your insides not feel ready to burst after having 12 portions within a 45 minute period?  How do all these adventurers stay so lean and fit with all the face shaveling that they do?!  Your body is a temple, given to you by the light and should be treated with respect, not some sort of garbage receptacle that you can shove any old crap into!  Should you feel hungry immediately after a wipe, simply remember the divine and how it never eats, so what makes you so special?  Just say “no, thank you,” and feel the spiritual capital come rolling in.

Oh people, it is truly Greed which will be the undoing of us all.  Love thy neighbor and do not steal his mobs out from under him while he quests, especially when there are dailies afoot.  This world is not a race to the end, but a walk along a rose strewn boulevard.  Enjoy the sights and sounds, do not feel as though it is all there for you and that you can take and have whatever pleases you.  Share those mobs and spawn points, even with someone of the other faction if the mood strikes you!  Remember that giving is good and giving to priests is twice as good.  So should you find yourself always stepping in front of a priest and killing mobs that he or she is obviously running for, simply give a tithe of gold and/or goods to appease your troubled soul.  Your soul will thank you.

Sloth is a silent killer among the faithful these days!  “You know, I don’t feel like raiding tonight, maybe I’ll just skip out,” they say out loud, but they might as well be saying “I am conduit for pure evil and my black heart spews not but bile and wretchedness!”  These people kill raids and bring mighty guilds to their knees, laying waste to everyone’s good times.  The slothful show up late if at all and once there simply follow the raid, doing minimal dps or healing.  They will often skip out altogether, perhaps to catch the ball game or simply because they feel they have better things to do.  They do not!  Should you feel the urge to skip out on your friends and guild mates, I suggest a quick slap to the face followed by three to five hours of intensive raiding as penance.

Oh, the sin of Wrath eats at the souls of almost all of Azeroth’s many races!  Worry not what the opposing faction is doing, gank not their lowbies and stop killing their flight masters for lawls.  PvP is one thing, there are places to do that should you enjoy sinning, but annoying PvP must end!  There’s no need to sit in an opposing faction’s cities and kill people literally 75 levels lower than you over and over and over again.  Such things are not funny, but instead wrathful and full of douchebaggery!  Should you feel the need to gank or camp someone so obviously lower level than you, simply go and jump in a lake and wait for your character to drown.  That’s what it feels like to be camped by someone.

Envy not the other guilds on your server, gentle jerkwads!  Do not think on how they downed Yogg-Sarron while you’re still butting your head against General Vezax who’s a total asshole with his mana limiting abilities!  No, you are just fine with your progression and the achievements you’ve collected so far.  Let them prance around like a bunch of nancy boys with their fancy schmancy titles and epic mounts for jerks.  You’ve got the light my friend, you have salvation.  Be secure in that and let go of your envy for those obviously STD-having wieners.  Should envy begin to eat at you, just look through your own achievement history for a few minutes and whisper to yourself how they probably don’t have Did Somebody Order a Knuckle Sandwich.  Those guys totally suck.

And the final sin that pervades us is Pride!  Those very same fancy guilds for losers are the worst of the lot, but it strikes even the common man low, showing their inner jerkfaceyness!  when you get in a group and everyone is chit chatting, please repeat this to yourself, “No one cares what my epeen looks like.”  Those who boast of their highest crits or the best fights they had where they did X while the rest of the groups sucked then died will find a most unpleasant afterlife waiting for them in the shadow!  Be humble!  Should you feel the need to boast about how awesome you are, simply take a few minutes, collect yourself, and remember how awesome Dueg is compared to you.

Being Prideful so you don’t have to since 1980.



10 Responses to “Seven Deadly Sins of Warcraft”

  1. 05/19/2009 at 10:51 AM

    Bravo! A clever take on the sins of Warcraft. Please everyone, please take note of greed and sell me your companion pets for much lower price. Thank you! 😀

  2. 05/19/2009 at 11:09 AM

    O.o What’s next? A crusade? :O

  3. 3 Xel
    05/19/2009 at 11:19 AM

    heavenly virtues 🙂

  4. 5 Light
    05/19/2009 at 12:14 PM

    So are you going to do the seven heavenly virtues too? 🙂

  5. 05/19/2009 at 12:57 PM

    I fully agree with ‘Wrath.’ Yes, my children! STOP the senseless douchebaggery of PvP! Stop killing our flight masters! Oh, and following someone fifteen levels lower then you on a Bronze Drake, dropping on top of them and killing them does NOT make you cool…it makes you very, very annoying, and shows great evidence of a small penis.

  6. 05/25/2009 at 10:26 AM

    Good advice indeed. Let’s just hope it stays at seven.

  7. 04/21/2013 at 11:42 PM

    Some were practical, of course, but others were psychological and emotional.
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