The Story of Fail Sauce

So last night was quite… interesting.  You see, gentle jerkwads, our guild has been making regular runs at Sartharion with 3 drakes up.  An issue we’ve been having however has involved people showing up on the nights when we’re scheduled to do Naxx, clearing out the zone with us then bailing on the other nights, making progression beyond “loot for everyone!” somewhat difficult.  I understand that not everyone has no life like ol’ Duegie here, but if you’re part of a progression guild, that might mean you want to, oh, I don’t know, progress.

So we’ve come up with a plan.  Pretty much every night is now a Sartharion 3D night until we get him down.  If 7pm server rolls around and we’re a couple dps short, then we’ll roll on over to Naxx and start clearing until 25 people log on, then we fly over to OS and get down to bid’ness.  We’ll run it till trash mobs start to respawn, then we’ll return to Naxx for the rest of the night in order to keep people from burning out on Sarth wipes all night.  This method gives us about 10 to 12 3D attempts depending on how quick we can recover, and is working out quite nicely, making for some fun raid nights this last week.

However, just because you have 25 people doesn’t mean that you have a raid.  Raids are composed of separate and equally important individuals who must all pull together in order to accomplish the task at hand.  Weak links can sometimes be strengthened by those around them depending on the skill of your raiders, but there are two major lynch pins where you must be solid: Your healing and tanking team.  And this is where our hero, Fail Sauce comes in.

Pictured: Our Intrepid Hero

You see, for a few weeks now we’ve been accepting apps to our guild trying to build a more reliable raider base.  We’ve been steadily growing and as part of the app process we picked up a prot warrior I have lovingly dubbed Fail Sauce.  He had been on one or two raids with us before and last night was his first chance to be in the spotlight.  He had seemed to be doing alright as an off tank during our previous raid nights so I didn’t think that anything would be amiss.  Ominous, I know.

So we clear the trash and Fail Sauce is assigned to pick up the crazy shit-ton of adds that spawn when you do 3D.  First attempt comes and everything is going fine till the second drake lands then the adds start going crazy all over the raid.  People, it was pandelerium.  So we get back in after the inevitable wipe, “Fail Sauce, everything fine?”  “Sure guys, no problemo.”  So we go back to work, only for the same thing to happen twice more.  Big problemo.

We then figure maybe we’ll switch it up and our drake tank, who’s a pallie is placed on adds and Fail Sauce now takes over on drakes.  “I’m more comfortable on drakes anyways, guys, consider it done,” says Fail Sauce.  It was not done.  After the 4th wipe, we in the healing team noticed that Fail Sauce is just getting his ass handed to him by the drakes over and over again.  After seeing that he’s taking 15k crits and 2/3 of the damage he’s receiving is physical, we ask him what his defense is.  “505 guys, but don’t worry, I got a LOT of Stamina, so I should be alright.”  About here is where we begin to think that Fail Sauce might not be alright.

So after yelling at him that, yes, you DO need to be defense capped to tank the drakes, and NO, how his previous guild did things doesn’t matter here, we give it a couple more shots then decide to move to Naxx after trash starts respawning.  We move briskly through Abom wing, one shotting Patchwerk and Grobbulus and getting to Gluth.  Fail Sauce and pallie tank are assigned to yo-yo aggro on the boss and we run in and get to work.

And here is where Fail Sauce removes his mask to reveal the asshat beneath.  While the pallie tank pulls Gluth into position, Fail Sauce begins running around the back of the room, taunting all the zombies (if they reach Gluth, he heals for 5% health on each one he eats) till he has a fair size of them.  He then hauls ass straight for Gluth trying to pull about 10 of them over, which he accomplishes, healing Gluth back to full.  This is followed by him immediately D/Cing.  Worry not, however, for my guild is teh awesomez as our druid tank, who was in dps gear, switched to bear and we managed to recover and bring Gluth down in one shot still.  Suck it, Fail Sauce.

Needless to say, there was much guild kicking done of Fail Sauce and his alts and we began to speculate whether or not he was a plant or something.  It just seems unlikely that anyone can be that stupid about playing their own class unless they had just bought it off ebay or something.  What’s that?  Fail Sauce’s true identity?  Well, I won’t name names or anything, but let’s just say it starts with a “D” and ends with a “rooler”… and he plays a female prot warrior… on Darkspear server… armory page here… not that I’m naming names or anything.

-Dueg